Come on down, the Nigel’s right

There’s something about Nigel Farage that makes me think of game shows. Maybe it’s the fact that he seems to be a shallow caricature that makes him reminiscent of old school game show hosts.

Supermarket Sweep
Contestants run around a studio supermarket filling their trolley. Bonus points are added for EU themed goods like Scotch, champagne, Danish bacon, cheddar cheese and cornish pasties. Points are deducted for picking up items from the Eastern European section and playing the Euromillion.

Play Your Cards Right
All surveys are carried out by asking UKIP supporters questions like “how many Romanians will move to the UK next year?”, “how many EU migrants in the UK claim benefits?”, “how many times has Nigel attended votes in the European Parliament?”. The first couple will guess an answer and the second guesses whether the survey result is higher or lower than that.

The Generation Game
Contestants have to remember and tell Nigel what items went past on the conveyer belt. All items have a vaguely EU theme so a typical selection might include a pint, a banana and a Polish person.

Family Fortunes
The question is always “we asked 100 people to tell us a UKIP policy” and the answers on any given week will be the most populist policies and the most offensive comment made by a UKIP member that week. It’s possible to ask the same question over and over because the answers will change from week to week. A coin toss will decide who gets to answer first with “leave the EU”.

The Price is Right
Contestants have to guess the ticket price of goods in Euros.

Mr & Mrs
A show to vet UKIP candidates and donors. The couple must answer questions like “has he ever been a member of the BNP”, “would she ever hire an Eastern European nanny?”, “does he think you look hideous in trousers?”, “does she ever start sentences I’m not racist but?”, “does he ever start sentences I’m not homophobic but?”, “would she rather get a spray tan than go on holiday abroad?”, “if you do go on holiday in Europe, does he insist on driving at the posted speed but in mph and complain about driving on the wrong side of the road?”, “does she cook using imperial or metric measurements?”.

All words must involve some form of anti-EU sentiment. The math round is shambolic because contestants think 25% is a majority and that UKIP’s estimates of migrants from Bulgaria and Romania make sense.

Are you smarter than the 10 year old child of an EU migrant?
UKIP supporters compete against a 10 year old with at least one non-British EU parent.

Take me out
UKIP supporters reject contestants on grounds like “he’s a bit dark i’n’t he”, “he likes kebabs. They’re forrin” and “he’d take me to Paris to propose? What’s wrong with Blackpool, that’s what I wanna know”

Deal or no deal
The show uses pre-decimalisation money and contestants grab the phone from the host and scream abuse at the European Central Banker.

Cash Cab
The contestants are random members of the public. They win by staying in the taxi all the way to their intended destination while the UKIP supporting cabbie rants at them. Losers throw themselves from the moving vehicle to escape.

Wife Swap
UKIP members swap wives with EU migrants living in the UK in the hopes they’ll discover that they sacrifice small animals in their homes. Each show opens with long footage of the UKIP supporter saying they expect the other family will refuse to speak English and eat funny food. Each episode is only 10 mins long because the producers edit out everything which doesn’t match the UKIP supporters’ preconceived notions.

I’m a UKIP supporter get me out of here
A group of UKIP supporters is sent to live in a different location in the EU each series. Locals refuse to speak English to them and they are denied housing, work, benefits and healthcare. They are left with a choice between starving and eating whatever the non-UKIP voting public wants them to. 


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