100% pure grade horse*

Horse. It’s everywhere. It’s even in the food we eat but you haven’t been told the whole story. The media have been careful to consistently use the word “horse” and disingenuously use stock pictures of the animals of the same name but it is now becoming clear that this is all part of a cunning ploy to hide the truth from the British people. The devastating truth is that this is the biggest drugs deal in the history of the world, with food being doctored with 100% pure grade horse or, in other words, heroin. Yes that’s right folks, doping is taking place on a scale never seen before. On a scale that makes Lance Armstrong look like a rank amateur. Slipped into our food “horse” keeps us docile. Using beef as the conduit for its introduction into the food supply suggests that someone somewhere laughed at the thought of making the British public bovine, proving evil people have a rubbish idea of comedy.

Don’t believe me? Consider this. The state’s own guide to drugs “Frank” (real name unknown) says that “A small dose of heroin gives the user a feeling of warmth and well-being, bigger doses can make you sleepy and very relaxed”. It also admits that “Heroin is highly addictive and people can quickly get hooked.” Faced with overwhelming anger and misery and the very real threat of protests in the streets, what self-respecting Conservative led government wouldn’t decide to control the masses using any means possible? After all, these are the people who use language to describe unemployed people which would be more at home in a Victorian tract on the “deserving poor and those lazy lay-abouts slugging cheap gin in gutters and leaving their children to fend for themselves in pubs”. Ahem. Anyway, what’s more Victorian than opium taking on a massive scale?

When you stop to think about it, this isn’t even an original plan. It’s up there with Cushelle’s “do bears shit in the woods” loo roll advertising campaign. Marx called religion the opiate for the masses because he understood that docility is an important means of retaining power, even when the State is trampling its own people. TV successfully took the place of religion for a long time but then things changed. People started to question TV, just as they questioned religion before it. It began preaching to a more informed crowd. Just as mass education affected religious belief, the river of information flowing through the internet meant that the powerful interests who decided both what news and what fiction we were able to see started to lose control. Unfortunately for them, this was timed to coincide with a collapse of capitalism no less important than the fall of European communism some years previously. People, normal people, began to go off script. They questioned and shared information. They became the greatest threat to the status quo. The Government has done what it can to openly dismiss its people with vile rhetoric, demonising millions, but it hasn’t been enough. When they realised they could no longer control the public in one way, they made the decision to control them in any way possible. A decade in Afghanistan. A much repeated maxim referring to opiates. It was blindingly obvious. It was audacious.

You may be wondering “why beef? Surely vegetarians are a threat to the status quo?”. You’re right but don’t think vegetarians and vegans are exempt from this dastardly scheme. Have you ever really looked at refill bags of popular herbs such as basil and oregano? Marijuana. Cumin and chilli powder? Heroin. Oh, they covered their bases alright. In fact, it’s been so meticulously planned that they’ve deliberately acted like incompetent buffoons on every single new policy for two and a half years just to put us off the scent.

You can’t have failed to notice that when capitalism collapsed we quickly saw stories telling us to make do and mend and to grow our own. An exhortation to grow our own was dangerous. What if we went the whole hog and became entirely self-sufficient? They’d be hard pressed to make schemes like Workfare happen if supermarkets lost vast numbers of customers but, more importantly, they knew they needed to control the supply chain in order for their appalling plan to work. They didn’t want to have to find another way of distributing horse. It wasn’t long before the grow your own message was drowned out by “keep calm and carry on”. It’s everywhere. There’s no escape. Why is this? I’ll tell you. When some idiot dug up an old poster, he gave the Tories another way of making their scam work. Another factor was the possibility we would subliminally recall the message when the horse kicked in. Don’t fight it, we were being told. I mean, come on, what other explanation is there for Cameron drip feeding “chillax”, “calm down dear” and “hug a hoodie” into our collective subconscious. You didn’t think he believed his own shit did you?

Boris Johnson is another part of the plan. Boris. If Winnie the Pooh was an evil right winger, he’d be Boris. He’s a threat to Cameron but he’s not wearing concrete boots. Why is that? I can answer that too. Boris is exactly what a nation of mind-controlled druggies need. He speaks and, in our dulled state of euphoria, we want to tickle his tummy. He can say anything no matter how abhorrent and we’ll love him. You thought the zip wire incident was unplanned? Think again my friends. I have five words for you. Winnie the Pooh honey pot. They knew we’d lap that crap up. It’s all an elaborate plan, giving a very different meaning to the term “honey trap”.

As rumours of horse being found in food grew, they had to spin like fast spinny things and they have, laying the blame at the doors of their favourite villains du jour. The Romanians are blamed for it getting into the beef. The EU is even blamed for not having enough laws to control the food chain (incongruity ceases to be a problem once the public has already been doped). Even if we try to get the truth out, they have another fallback villain in Afghan terrorists who can be blamed for the production of opium. It really is a work of evil genius.

So there you go. We’ve been suppressed by a juggernaut of evil. Now you really do know the truth.

* may contain traces of bullshit

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