The Begley Agenda


Begley’s always been an ambitious cat and he’s reached a certain level of maturity. He’s hoping to seize power in 2015 and the Eastleigh bi-election could be a handy stepping stone. Being a cat, it could all be a gruesome gorefest or he could just purr his way into power in a bloodless coup. Begley’s been fascinated by politics ever since he was quietly pottering in the garden when the voice of God blasted through the neighbourhood urging him to vote UKIP. Of course since then he’s regularly heard the rag & bone man and once saw a mighty dragon cunningly disguised as a Virgin hot air balloon but it was too late. He’d become a political animal.

Modern languages will be extended to include feline body language.

From nursery school upwards, children will be taught feline relaxation techniques.

Manual dexterity lessons will also be introduced. No waiting around for evolution to balance out this dominant hand nonsense. Begley believes it’s imperative that humans make better use of their weaker hand for the benefit of cats (accusations that this is a bit rich coming from a cat without opposable thumbs were met with a blank stare before he swung a back leg up to lick his bum). Two-cat households need two fully functioning hands for stroking per human. Otherwise, the cat with the benefit of the dominant hand gets master strokes while the other cat misses out. Dogs will be made available for children to practice on.

The NHS will be preserved and extended to a National Vet Service for pet owners, although an earnings cap will apply to NVS assistance.

The obesity crisis will be solved by getting humans to play with giant feathers on sticks. Begley hopes his drug policy will encourage such play. Dog owners will be excused and must walk their dogs for at least one hour per day. 

All drugs will be legalised. Catnip’s never done Begley any harm and he thinks humans have a greater need to mellow out.

Prison terms will be increased for cases of animal cruelty and the pets in prison scheme will exclude any prisoners convicted of cruelty.

Dog attacks on cats will be treated in the same way as dog attacks on dogs. Dog insurance policies will pay for treatment for attacked cats. If the perpetrator can’t be identified,  the NVS will pay for treatment for cats and dogs (and also for road traffic victims).

Social Security
Cat benefit will be available in addition to child benefit.

It probably goes without saying that Begley would reverse all Coalition cuts. He’s a cat, not a monster.

Businesses who have a cat will receive tax breaks.

The working day will by cut by 30mins on the understanding this time is to be used for cuddling, grooming, sleeping or staring at random things to freak out people around you. Dog owners may put their 30 mins towards their walking duties.

Begley has no idea how to fix the mess the Coalition have made. He’s a cat. Cats don’t understand working for reward, bartering etc. That’s why his pick for Chancellor will be a dog. Who better to grasp the system of what Begley calls “bribery”. He’d like to use the dog who took a £20 note, my sunglasses and my mobile & hid each undamaged item under his bed because that seems like bafflingly high powered economic thinking to him. Sadly, he died so Begley’s relying on breed characteristics with his choice. Well, breeding seems to be all that matters to the current occupant of the post anyway. 

Begley’s Chancellor has explained the concept of payday loans to him and advised him that borrowing one bit of kibble and paying back a thousand is wrong. It took a while to explain because it was hard to get past Begley’s repeated murrs of “all the kibble is mine anyway” but eventually they agreed to ban payday loans.

Landlords will no longer be allowed to restrict pet ownership.

All new homes must be well insulated and have broad enough window ledges for a cat to really relax.

All potholes will be repaired immediately to ensure the safety and comfort of pets on board.

Overtaking by lorries on duel carriageways will be banned. Why would a cat care? Have you ever been stuck in a cat carrier with your grouchy sister for four hours while your owner swears often and loudly? No? Try it sometime. Begley can’t crack down on all in-car swearing causes but this is one he can tackle and it’s sure to be a vote winner.

Subways will be put in under roads known as being particularly dangerous to cats.

Environment and Energy
Energy companies will be compelled to charge lower prices to eradicate fuel poverty, ensuring both cats and their owners are warm enough.

Begley has considered the argument that wind farms kill birds before cats can get to them but concluded their hypnotic effect is beneficial to humans. People complaining about wind farms will be attached to the blades for a period proportionate to the level of fuss they make. Whilst there, their home will be infested with fleas.

Hedgerows will be protected to ensure a long term supply of mice & other wee beasties.

The hunting ban will be lifted but is subject to a new requirement that people can only hunt on foot and without weapons or tracking devices such as dogs. If a hunt master can track, chase and kill a fox with his bare hands, Begley believes that’s his right. Grafting your torso onto the body of a horse will not be allowed unless you give up your thumbs to a cat.

Anyone setting fireworks off on any day which isn’t 5 Nov, 31 Dec or a recognised religious festival will be forced to hold a lit firework.

Criminal justice
It’s a harsh world. Begley would reintroduce the option of trial by combat.

Prisons will be combined with animal shelters as rehabilitation (although unmixed facilities for people with a history of animal cruelty and those considered likely to be cruel to animals will remain).

Begley takes a pretty hard line on this. He appreciates he’s quite fussy so immigrants must pass the Ciara test. If she likes you, you can stay.

The citizenship test will be replaced with questions on cat care.

Cats “read” too. Library budgets will be protected to ensure cats can communicate with each other across each county by jaw rubbing borrowed books.

Trident will be scrapped. Begley’s preferred method of dealing with disputes is to fluff himself up and engage in a stare off but if it comes right down to it he’ll bring the claws and thinks anything less than one on one is cheating.

Anyone calling for war for any reason other than territorial defence will be labeled a “tom” and neutered forthwith. 

European Union
Begley will seek to bring the rest of Europe into line with “pet mad” Britain and work for funding for strays throughout Europe.

All food retailers must offer food which is about to go off to homeless shelters and foodbanks at the end of the day.

Food standards are clearly a touchy subject for humans but Begley believes that ash should cease to be an ingredient in cat food before we faff about over a bit of horse meat.

The Media
Not content with smearing other humans, certain sections of the press often turn on animals in speciest attacks and Begley’s fed up with it. Whilst animals should be allowed to be true to their natures, the Daily Mail and other purveyors of incessant unpleasant drivel who use their fancy opposable thumbs to attack as viciously as any clawed and fanged animal, will not. They can challenge animals on fair terms or not at all. Anyone who wants to attack badgers, foxes, cats, dogs or any other animal can do so….naked, unarmed and locked in a room with a number of them equal to the number of people who would read their story if they survive to write it.

Anyone who has rummaged through a celebrity’s bins or stalked a celebrity they don’t intend to eat will be turned out onto the streets to live alongside nature’s other scavengers and predators (to clarify, Begley means animals). Homeless people will be moved into their houses.

Advertisers don’t care who they hurt and cats suffer too. All ads where cats miaow or dogs bark will be banned.

If payday loans were hard to explain the ides of paying virtual kibble in the hope of winning virtual kibble was even more difficult. When told virtual kibble is usually lost, resulting in less money in the kitty to buy real kibble, Begley promptly decided to ban ads for all online gaming.


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